number 2 !

I'm also thinking abt what the hell gender neutral means..? For female bodied people, does that mean androgyny equals looking like a "boy"? Does it mean short hair and no chest? Does this mean "soft masculinity" is a neutral? I also wonder if being in the valley, where the number of female bodied people is so high has anything to do with this view of genderqueerness and genderneutrality. But can one be gender neutral? Hm.

I call myself genderqueer because I think that there is a part of me that is gender plural, not neutral. I think that I can be man and woman, boy and grrl, and some weird slur of both. Sometimes I feel so lost, like I'm in some sort of daze, because people are calling me Stokely but I feel like I should be a Damali. Or vice versa. I dunnooooo... sometimes I also feel like I indulge in the feminine side of me only because I want to know if I can get away with it, if I can pass for what Damali is supposed to be. And so sometimes I feel more liberated as a Stokely, or as a more masculine-of-center presenting person because it is what I should not be- or makes me feel more visible, so that I don't have to talk so much but instead can just be. But I know that's not right either. I know that a lot of visibility depends on who's looking and what they want to see, as well as how you are presenting. I think for me, I need to find a way to disconnect femininity from what my family wants of me. I need to find a way for me to personally queer up my personal feminine side, rather than use it as a way to hide.

So, yes. They for me is a way to acknowledge Damali, J.D. Stokely, M. Hopper, daddy's little grrl, mommy's rabble-rouser, lil baby genderqueer, the 16 yr old bisexual, all of them with and without names.

Gah. I had other thoughts abt gender, but now my head hurts.