oh so cold

its that time of year where people bundle up for warmth, but im still trying to cling onto the thread of hope that maybe it will get warmer. i see other people who, like me, are stuck in denial abt the weather, and walk around freezing in their hoodies and short sleeves. my friends , i think its time we face reality.

this weather is the type of weather that makes you sick, and in such a small environment, the flu bounces back and forth between people like a ball in a game of catch. as soon as youve gotten rid of it, there it is again, flying towards yr head in a blur of red plastic, and yr only option is to catch it. again.

ive noticed that everyone is constantly coughing. im not usually a cougher during the day, but my body feels like its possessed. im sure this is what the holy spirit feels like. cyree mentioned the other day that she coughs so much it feels like shes doing crunches daily- who needs the gym ever again? ive been communicating with people through coughs. in fact, i had a conversation with a fellow modmate today, and it went a little something like this:

me: hey can i borrow that *coughcoughcough*
them: yeah, its by the *coughcoughcough*
me: wait *cough* where? *cough* i dont see the *coughcoughcough*
them: did you look by the *coughcoughcough*
me:*coughcoughcoughcough*
them:*coughcoughcoughcough*

.... and this continued for abt five minutes until one of us just left the room.

the winter is especially hard for me because i am realizing more and more every dayt hat i am not equipped for the winter. even though i am (for the most part) a new englander, i dont rly have enough sweaters or hoodies, most of my shoes are flats or sandals, i own MAYBE two pairs of socks, three out of the four pair of tights i own are ripped and two out of the three pairs of jeans that i own are ripped. and on top of that, i lost my only flannel! i absolutely loved that flannel! my mother told me via email that she was going to send me up some boots and some money and i almost cried tears of joy. i responded to her email by saying

OMG MOM YES THANKS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

im hoping that i played it smooth and didnt seem too desperate.

i went to the justice for jason rally today in chuckswithnosocks, and after abt 2 hrs of standing outside in the bitter cold, i felt like my legs were attached to rocks. i couldn't feel my feet at all. by the time that i got home, i tore off my shoes and saw that parts of my feet had turned blue. i didnt think that it could really happen to me- im black! i didnt think i could see blue through the melanin! but there it was... my feet still feel rly cold and i put socks on and changed my shoes!

these are hard times. everyone i know keeps stealing gloves and hats and scarves. im just waiting to go home so my mommy can buy me some- im broke and rly bad at stealing, so ill just wait. it sure is cold though.

Enfield quad, Nov 18th 2008, 5:07PM

Heard through my window:


"whoever took my laundry detergent should bring it back, that's rly rude!"

...

"whoever took my laundry detergent should bring it back right now, before i start to wash my clothes, you fucking assholes!"

...

"HEY! ENFIELD, FUCK YOU!"

bang!

"GIMME BACK MY FUCKING LAUNDRY DETERGENT!"

slam!

...

.....

"Hey, could someone let me use some laundry detergent? I just rly need to wash my clothes."

20 great ways to procrastinate when doing hw in the library

1. tetris

2. google yr name

3. google somebody else's name

4. youtube

5. ichat

6. cook a meal

7. watch shitty tv and then deconstruct it

8. look up poetry- i recommend langston hughes

9. clip yr toenails

10. check yr email

11. check yr facebook

12. daydream abt a current crush

13. doodle

14. start a staring contest with a random stranger

15. write a poem

16. arrange an a capella version of an r. kelly song

17. pick a scab

18. people-watch from one of the windows

19. play dino run

20. post on yr blog.

triggered? content? i dunno.

the past couple of days have been... well.. for the lack of a word... traumatic. no.

they have been.. empowering?

no.

ive been doing things for myself- for my health- emotional, mental, physical. and they've been good for me. rly good. but its been rly hard for me. ive been facing a lot of fears. im proud of myself.

but sometimes it can be very lonely here at hampshire.

it doesnt help that the weirdest songs have been stuck in my head... like seal's kiss from a rose...? haha, im playing it right now, thinking abt my life.

its so corny. its a bit shameful.

its not my fault crappy love songs keep playing on my itunes.. hahaha.

actually, now that im thinking abt it, im rly happy.

no.

satisfied.

i feel satisfied for the first time in a while. and i am making a vow to take care of myself and stay happy- for now, at least.

i wish i had a camera. i keep walking around and seeing things that make me happy, at least for a second, and i want to take snapshots of them. instead i kind of hold my fingers up in front of my face and go "click". rly stupid, but it makes me smile, just knowing that ive captured this rly nice image in a rly silly way.

ahh fuck work. instead of doing what i should be doing, i think im gonna go play with barbies at mod 80..!

see what i mean? silly, but it makes me feel good. im all abt the "id" today, i guess. :)

chair massages

yesterday, i came home generally disappointed by the chair massage i received. and ive noticed something. there has only been one masseuist (however the fuck you spell it) that has given me the massage of my life. i came out of my first massage with her, and felt so good that i started up conversation with annoying hipster boys.

Me: Hey, annoying hipster boy! how's it goin?
AHB: Im ok. Listen to me talk abt this rly pretentious thing...
Me: Wow. I am genuinely interested and intrigued!
AHB: (still talking abt pretentious things)
Me: Hahaha, how interesting! No PoMo!

AHB and I give each other high fives as I skip off into the sunset.

now, i wish that all of my massages could go like that. instead, its more of a struggle to get to touch me. i mean, they're touching you, but they don't get into it- they don't dig deep. and i would say that maybe its a size thing:



but i dont think thats it, because the person to give me the best massage of my life was small and skinny.

but my interaction with the other chair massage guy was more like this:

CMG: let me know if this is enough pressure
Me: i will when you start
CMG: ive been going for abt 5 min now.
Me:...oh.

damn, i feel like i came out of that chair massage more tense than i originally went in there feeling. whenever he would get to a place on my back that hurt, i would push back onto hand just to feel any sort of pressure! i came out with bigger knots than originally, and a headache.

although, that wasn't my worst chair massage experience.

some bad past experiences:

* i had a massager who smelled like boiled onions who decided to give me the longest massage ever
* i had a massager who took themselves way too seriously, played weird music and wouldnt let me talk during my massage
* i had an ok massage one day, but when i put my glasses back on, i couldnt see straight for hours! everything was blurry...
* i waited in a long ass line for a 5 minute massage.. that sucked
* i fell asleep during my massage once and didnt remember it. i still think she just let me sleep and didnt gimme a massage

ok, the list goes on, and im sure you get the point.

i guess my words of wisdom to leave yall with is... not to NOT go to the chair massage. free massages, from 3-8, five days a week? thats friggin sweet!!! take advantage of that shit!! i would just say that its all abt finding the right massager for you. i need someone who will dig deep. and will give pleasant conversation. others need someone who will be a little gentler, and grunt in weird sexual ways in their ear... thats another thing.. it feels like yr barely putting effort on my back, why are you breathing so heavily on my neck...? this is just weird!... but i digress.

so yes. the right massager for you. take advantage.... and if you RLY love me, then youll give me a quick lil backrub next time you see me... i promise you, i need it.

Obama just won

.. and motherfuckers are ALREADY trying to argue that racism is over in this country. DAMN.

the STRUGGLE IS NOT OVER.

Obama winning is NOT THE ANSWER for black ppl in America.

This is great, yes. Much better HIM than effing McCain.

OMG I'm watching NBC right now and they didn't wait even FIVE MINUTES till they quoted the "I Have a Dream" speech, with in an old black man talking about how he loves America.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

I can't believe no one sees this coming.

Welcome to a new, colorblind America. A new era, where we are all just one UNITED country.

gah, such bullshit.

Ok, a black man won. Let's make sure that he lives long enough to get sworn in, first off.

Secondly, let's make sure we remember that RACISM HAS NOT ENDED, PEOPLE.

Ugh, I dont even wanna talk about this anymore.

i just voted for the first time

wow...

no words.


wait0 there are words-

OMG- i am TERRIFIED and the tv at home is STUCK on the news... gah.

i h8 africa, but american apparel is o.k.

and i wonder why it is that you hate nigeria
ive never been but i hear that its not that bad of a country
in fact, my mother knew a nigerian man once
he was the one that told her that my name was beautiful
she would fight with my father, try to entice his mouth
to pronounce it the way it was supposed to be
Dah. Muh. Li.
like the Nigerian man coached it to her,
same syllables as the English meaning:
beau.ti.ful.
but daddy always shrugged off that African shit
and just drawled it out the way he saw fit.
DaMawwLi, thats what the yankees will say,
and that was the end of that conversation.

and im sure you've got more money
on yr dashboard than ive got in my bank account
but dont you think thats flaunting it a bit
i googled Nigeria today and
my computer screen was flooded with
beautiful brown faces smiling at me-
i was expecting flames or little devils
or something to indicate the hellhole you had mentioned,
not black faces that look like mine.
what are you saying about me?
do you think i am a black devil?
because when i imagine hell i think of pale face closer to yours.

and now im a bit confused.
i have no idea how to end this poem.
i know ive got a couple options-
call you a deuche,
flip you off,
tell you to suck it
while you enjoy yr miserable life in hell
but rly, i just wish you'd read up a little on nigeria.
it doesn't seem like too bad of a place, really.