yup yup

hey guys-

i know i promised to write abt my trip to the dentist but the more that i think abt it, it wasn't that interesting. i'll give y'all the low-down, though.

* 2 fillings
* 1 extraction
* 3 stitches
* a whole bottle of perks.

yuppp.
lol.

in OTHER news, i'm back @ camp hamp. it's kind of nice. i was a jb orientation leader, and i got here sunday. the regular admittance kids got here today.

so. white.

i told the new jbs to do a poc-count for me. lol.

the new jbs are pretty chill. i hope they do well here. they seem like they don't like it, and don't want to socialize. maybeits culture shock? i dunno. i mean, i understand how it is when yr new to a space. you gotta feel it out. and i know i wasn't that friendly my first couple of weeks here. ah, well. only time will tell.

what else, what else...

oh! one of em told me i talk white. i wanted to slap him. first off, ive given up on the myth of talking//acting black way back in high school. besides,

MUTHAFUCKA HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO WHITEY OH HELLLL NAAW........!!!

but he's still a good kid. its wuteva.

the only bad thing abt being back @ hamp is that my house is dead right now. for reals, tho. im on the tippy top floor all the way down the hall. it sucks, yo. my room is a mess, too. i need to stop playin and take care of that shit! and i will. soon. but for the past coupla days, my ass has been sleepin in p.scott. anything other than being alone..!

i miss the wife. gah. she knows how much i love and miss her stank ass.

oh! also-

i made an appt for my tattoo(s), guys!!!

the dudes said its gonna be only abt $80 for the three i want. ima be real, im a wimp. i jut want some small shit. two things on my wrists, and one thing on the back of my neck.

this is what i want (i might've wrote abt this awwready so bear wit me)

left wrist (gye nyame):

http://www.marshall.edu/akanart/images/EXCGOD.GIF

right wrist (ankh):

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Ankh.png/341px-Ankh.png

neck (raised fist):

http://www.webweaver.nu/clipart/img/people/hands/raised-fist.gif


guys, i would post the pics on my blog but my computer's being a stank ass bitch so its not lettin mee.

i'll update tomorrow, with pics of mee and my tattoo(s)

"where's yr horse?"

yr obviously talking about my boots
but yr looking at my chest-
you might as well have said
where's yr boyfriend.

what, you wanna be my horse, old man?

fuck off, i smile, and keep on strutting
i dont need a horse or a hat or
a pathetic ole man's approval.

---

in other news, the grass is lookin pretty green for me right now.

real post soon- my adventures at the dentist.

noise(ttes) !!!

oh em gee.

i love this band. sometimes i forget how much i love then and then they come on my itunes (thanks to that shuffle, ya know) and then i turn up the volume, and rawk out. that is, before i melt at the hottness that is shingai shoniwa, the lead singer and frontman of the band.

um... shes a black rocker who sings AND plays bass. (you know bassists are good with our fingers ;P )

nuff said? lol.

i'd totally swing for her- oh wait. lol.

i figured i should upload a coupla pics of the rocker beauty so here ya go:






love me some b l a c k rockers!

pst go listen and love:http://www.myspace.com/noisettesuk

website: http://thenoisettes.com/

interracial dating, then and now.

oh dear.

interracial dating? no comment.

however i thought this pic was pretty interesting and decided to put it up here...



whaddya think??

stereotypes.

kara walker, oooh kara walker. oh how i hate thee.

the image above with the little black girl engaging in sexual activity with the horse/donkey/whatever the hell thats supposed to be... that was the first image of kara walker's that i was introduced to. as far as i can tell, she seems like a self-loathing black woman who makes money by selling her horrific ideas/images of her race to white folk, who eat. it. up.

this is the woman who said that all black ppl secretly wish to be slaves. do you know, that quote haunted me since the time i first heard about it? that all black ppl still want to be slaves to white folx. damn.

however, i was perusing her website and i was a little torn. because we all know i love to hate these images of black people, and tearing them to pieces. and i thought to myself... what is the difference between her work and my work? seriously though.. the image above with the tree.. "so i ask what is positive black image (other than a contradiction)" damn, kara. the sexual liberation of mammy is similar. there are no positive images in it. when the black characters break their caricature, their "role, they just jump into another one. why the hell is that???

and i basically have been saying its because i don't know the whole piece yes.. its still mostly an idea in my head... and it can change. but i also have been thinking that its because right now, its because there is no way out... but we have to create one together (or some cheesy shit like that).

but, as a good friend of mine said once, artists are exploiters.

i wrote a poem abt it once:

The artist’s job is to exploit

We are the traitors of our races,
Uncle Toms- we let white folks into our cabins
We bleed our family’s secrets onto the page
Onto the screen,
Onto society

We make our fathers face their demons
While the white world watches
Amazed, transfixed- frozen.

The artist’s job is to exotify

I have othered my body.
My hands, my breasts,
My hair, my skin-
White men have looked upon me
Like a poisonous flower ready to pluck
And to stuff in a book, to wither, to dry out.

They touch me
And tell me I am beautiful. I am exotic.
I am their Nubian Queen. I am savage.

I walk away from these men, confused
Only to walk into the arms of a white woman
Who will do the same.
You are so different. So urban. So black.

The artist’s job is to intellectualize.

T here is a reason for our anger.
No, it has nothing to do with human emotions-
Webster has a different word for every feeling, every action.
Hegemony, beurocracy, democracy
Racism, sexism, masochism,
And eventually we lose touch with our emotions
And spew out our intellectual rhetoric
Bourgeoisie bullshit back
In the faces of our own communities.
[...]
You can use the dictionary to define anything
Absolutely everything is a social construct
But that doesn't make it any less real,
Less legitimate.

I do not call myself an artist.
To do so is to not belong.
The title of “artist” causes pain.
“Your work is too cultural,” he said.
“Think of your audience. White people cannot
Relate to this.”

So sell out, artist.
Exploit your people,
Exotify your body,
Intellectualize your history,
Assimilate to the whims of your
White Audience
And don’t think a damn thing about it.

Do it with a kool-aid smile
While they clap for you
Say something sweet,
“Oh you speak so well,”
Do a little shuck and jive,
And make them eat it up,
Shove that silver spoon down their throats
And find a way to look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning.

where the dots are, [...] is where i got stuck. never finished.

but yeah... kara walker, you are a traitor. and i really dont want to be one myself, although i feel mysel falling in love with these stereotypes. not as a way to look at myelf, or a history to be cherished, but more like obsession.. like i said earlier, something that i love to hate. and im afraid they're gonna seep into my skin and find their way into my conscience.


however, to end on a funny note.. i <3 dave chappelle. lol!

so fucking mad.

if you try to mess with my family, bio or not...
especially the wife or brothers...

yr dead to me.

the end.

not because he's black, but because he's brilliant...

i am so mad.

we got into a discussion abt the obamas today in the car..

me, my mom, my "aunt" (and my lil bro and "cousin") were driving back home from the mall and my aunt showed us the copy of essence with the obama family. this stared a conversation abt how great obama is. how strong his family is. why obama would be a great president. why everyone in the world should support obama.

i chimed in here and there, yes, they look great, yes they are a wonderful family, yes i really do respect the obamas.

and then my aunt mentions that i am old enough to vote.

and i agree, yes, this is true i am old enough to vote.

and she goes well thats great because yr vote will really count. we need all the votes we can get for obama. and i planned on just going "mm" or smiling or something, but that really irked me, the way that she assumed that i was automatically voting for obama. so i told her the truth, that i am not sure who i am going to vote for yet.

and that got my aunt and mom all upset, about how we need all the votes we can get, who else was there to vote for, don't i want my vote to count.

and i tried in my most respectful way to say that yes, i want my vote to count, and that my first time voting is important to me. and i want to vote smart, not just support someone because i feel like i should have to, but really look into the people's politics. that i wanted my vote to count for something.

and they couldn't wrap their minds around why i wouldnt be voting for obama. and the way that they made me feel was so infuriating.. it was as if i was just a child and i would learn better. in fact, my mother said that i was being silly, i just wanted to pull a lever, that i wanted to make a political stance.

YES. YES I DO WANT TO MAKE A POLITICAL STANCE. POLITICS ARE FUCKING POLITICAL.

then my mom went into a rant abt white fucking liberals and how they don't do anything for black ppl and how they stab you in the back, etc, etc... first off. i never said i was voting for a white liberal. and i agree. i have little to no respect for white liberals because i have learned that white liberal = colorblind racist, NOT progressive anti racist. the white liberals that i have met don't want to talk abt race, dont want to acknowledge its existence, and the effect it still has on our society. i never said i was liberal. and thirdly, didnt i say i wasnt sure who i was voting for? didnt i say that? i didnt jump up out of my seat and go, LET'S GO GREEN PARTY, WHITE LIBERALISM ALL THE WAY.

my mom also says that not all political candidates are perfect. that she doesnt agree with a good amt of things that obama believes, but supoprts him anyway. and that a lot of black people are really conservative. well mom, i'm not conservative. why would i vote for someone with conservative views... and why would i vote for someone that i don't agree with... is it because my loyalty to my blackness? because if thats the case, wouldnt that give me more of a reasont o vote green, in allegiance with my blackness AND my womon-ness?

then my aunt tries to reason with me and says that she hopes that i get the chance to educate myself and find that obama truly is the right candidate. and offers me his book on CD. i was pissy so i declined. not because i dont want to read the book (because as i said earlier i want to educate myself) but because of the tone in which she offered it. the fact that i will educate myself and find that he is the right candidate for me.. wtf.

they continue their obama discussion, ignoring me, but still talking for my "benefit"- you know, the way that parents do.. and my aunt says something that sticks with me. apparently, when oprah was helping campaign for obama, she told america, don't vote for obama because he's black, but because he's brilliant.

beautifully said...

but the biggest load of horse shit ive ever heard. and how dare you mention that when you just cracked a joke that obama should get a mexican VP, because thats the only way he wont get shot in office...

of course people are voting for him because he's black! of course! especially those damned white "liberals" that my mother mentioned earlier (kind of like the one she's dating)... oh, how "progressive" to support this black man... i feel that there is no way that we can ignore the fact that obama is black. DUH. just look at the guy. just hear how ppl talk abt him, positive or negative. we always mention the fact that he could have a black president, that he is a black man with a black man and a black family and black obama black black black.

i dont think this is a negative thing.

in fact, i am glad that we can admire this strong black man... that we can acknowledge his blackness.. hopefully that will encourage race dialogue.

and if you want to vote for him because he's black ad you feel a sense of loyalty to him because yr also black, hell.. thats fine too! i feel an allegiance to a lotta folk because we're black.. we gotta look out for each other, support each other. i support the obama family, i admire them. i just dont want to vote for him without knowing his politics.. and also, i dont want to be questioned as to why im not voting for my fellow black countryman. cuz if thats the case, the green party has two black folk running for the candidacy (thats twice the allegiance) AND they're womyn! (thats another point there, too). i want to take oprah's advice, and vote for someone because they're brilliant, not because they're black (because if i voted on who's blacker- not "attitude" wise, but whose actually blacker- obama would lose.)

but i dont know.. i just want the opportunity to educate myself on these guys, and really take this srsly. i want to be able to say, i voted for ___ because i agree with their politics on _______, _______, and _____ and honestly think that they would be great at running our country. i dont want to walk out saying, i voted for obama because hes black. come on, now! maybe obama will be the one to fill in those blanks, maybe mckinney (hellthe fuck naw it wont be mccain's dumb ass) but i want the freedom to figure that out. is that too much to ask?? should i be ridiculed and treated as if i am silly and young and trying to make a statement with my white liberals?? NO.

and ill buy obamas book with my own damned money, thankyouverymuch.


...and lastly, i would like to say that the family looks FIERCE on that magazine cover.

open the door, lay on the floor, you been robbed.

Biggie's "Playa Hata" has been running through my head all night, especially since we just got robbed. I partially don't believe it. But today, my mom and I came home (around 3:30 ish) and found that someone had broken into our home.

What the fucking fuck?

It's kinda funny (not really) cuz we were home watching Tyra, we cleaned our rooms... all without realizing that we had gotten robbed. The motherfuckers took my brother's PS2, my jewelry box (filled with all junk, except for the gold chain and cross that my dad gave me for christmas when i was 12), the printer and my mom's bike. They left three other bikes, the huge Mac computer above the printer, our passports and ss cards, my violin (that they took out) the surround sound stereo system, my mom's REAL jewelry just CHILLIN on the floor, in the living room etc, our huge ass tv, yo.. the list goes on. Dumb. Ass. Robbers.

It wasn't the fact that someone stole our shit. I mean, yeah, that pissed me off. But it was the fact that someone had actually forced their way into our home, our space. I know that the robber isn't necessarily male, but the idea of a male intruding into a space that is woman-run hurts me. I keep thinking that someone is still here- and it's hard enough, me being as paranoid as I am all the time. And mannn am I paranoid. Thanks to my moms connections we had detectives and cops all over our house, searching every nook and cranny. But still.. there's always that worry that they missed a spot.

And I'm afraid that my little brother is going to be scarred by this. He is already terrified of entering the house, and I can't be as strong for him as I would like to be. I'm a wimp, what can I say. My mother is really strong, but she is just as scared as we are, I can tell. And it annoys me that she can't show that she is frightened too. But I appreciated it for Ja Ja's sake.

Man, am I mad. I am so fucking angry.

Safe spaces have become so important to me. And what space is supposed to be safer than yo mama's house?? I have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I really wish I had someone that could call to come over and keep me safe.
... I guess I can cuddle up with pillow tonight and make due, lol.

Keep me and my family in your prayers, please!

can the black men please stop dying now?

RIP Bernie Mac 8.09.2008

RIP Isaac Hayes 8.10.2008

You will both be sorely missed.

How is it that two black men, both famous, both fairly young (too young to die anyways) died one day after the other? That's fucked up, man. I smell a conspiracy theory.

hampshire haikus

"haiku to 52/enfield fam"

cut-off jeans and tanks
we found in the "free stuff" box
toes lost in the grass

smoking on the porch
sipping kool-aid from a jar,
eating dried mango.

we talk about life:
oppression, revolution
how to make a home

build community
in this small town, no name school
this is what i miss.

kanye is queer

no disrespect to ye.

i love me some yeezy.

but am i the only one who thinks hes queer? just a tad bit queer, maybe? c'monn y'all.. i took this shit as a confession- and to be real, if he WAS queer, i'd appreciate him that much more:

http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

shoes, shoes, shoes

or more accurately- sneakers, sneakers, sneakers.


i still haven't gotten the shoes that i want. obvs. im broke as fuckkk.

but these are the shoes that i want and they are sooo expensive. (they were a limited edition, and the cheapest pair i saw were going for $300 on ebay.)
my dream shoes:



i was showing these to my friend and i got so mad. she was like, those are nice shoes but i dunno if i could rock anything other than nikes. i hate that shit. nikes are nice, yes, but they are not the only brand out there. take a risk, ppl! then she saw a pick of lil wayne rockin em and of course she was all over supra skytops then. ha! they are some fly ass shoes, tho:









im probably gonna get one of these instead:



OR



i have really been into the look of nike blazers this summer. they feel like a very summer-y sneaker to me. i saw a girl rockin these today and they actually looked really good on her. i saw em online before and was not impressed, but just goes to show you that shit looks a lot different on yr body than they do online:

i stand corrected

in an older post, i mentioned that gender doesn't exist, and that i couldn't understand it.

i feel ashamed of what i said. and i take it back.

it reminded me too much of ppl who say that they racism no longer exists and that they can't see color. so although i dont completely understand how gender (specifically MY gender) works, it doesnt make it any of a less valid thing because i have gender issues.

yep.