lovesickness: an ode to shalimar

i have spent the last three days humbled
on hands and knees, relinquishing all of myself
into the welcoming mouth of the toilet seat.
i don't know what is wrong with me
other than a still heart and a busy mind.
i have not seen you for a while but i am certain that you hate me.
i can't help but think that this is my fault,
wonder if i should be giving more of myself-
something other than mucus and vile,
sour words and needy looks.
i look back on the day that i cut my hair,
embarrassed that all i had to give you was
a lock of it, a small insignificant piece of me, knowing that
you wouldn't have accepted all of me if i had offered. i've learned that
it is useless conveying to you the importance of that action-
i don't know how to show you that i've tied myself to you,
that you now possess a piece of the last nineteen years of my life.
i bet you threw me in an underwear drawer, or underneath the bed,
let me drop unnoticed behind the bookcase:
out of sight, out of mind.
i now know what lovesick looks like
although it is not the kind of love (or sickness)
that you would accuse me of being capable of. it is more like a mother
ripped away from her suckling child
by the guilt instilled in her through a man's laughing eyes.
my body is sick from a lack of love
and your neglect is speeding up the dying process.
i wish i could leave this body,
fly away to worlds untouched and forget, but
i am still learning that we are rooted to this earth by hatred and hips,
destined to be left behind,
no lumps of flesh to save us,
flapping behind our backs or between our legs.

and when hagar looked down upon his beautiful face and choked,
i'm sure she contemplated driving that knife
in the centered nook right below her ribcage,
confused as to which she should aim for:
the heart or the womb,
both equal conspirators in her shame.

Kriss Kross- Response to Gina

I posted this video on my facebook and got a message from an old teacher in response saying this:

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=60461024034&h=HUwGY&u=-PbKO&ref=mf

Maybe I'm just getting old and curmudgeonly, but that video made me sad...Like, is that what our young awesome African American boys should be aiming for? I'd rather see a video with them chilling with the president in the oval office, y'know?
---
I responded to her with this:

Hello-

I think you bring up a lot of great points, but I definitely have to disagree with you on this one.

I would love to see an image of black boys hanging out with Obama. However, the idea of this being the better image- or at least the "positive" image scares me. A lot. It reminds me of the idea of the "New Negro"- a concept that has recently re-emerged due to Obama's victory. (although it can be argued that this concept never went away, especially when looking at shows like The Cosby Show). There is a sentiment that by having a black president, we as black people now have become the model minority, and must always "be on our best behavior" and "do better" by being more like Obama. Which, of course, is assimilationist as well as classist.

It also makes me feel that by categorizing the representation of black boys as model citizens (once again, chilling in the oval office with the Obamas) as the "positive" image- or at least MORE positive image- then I feel that we are conceptualizing the depiction of boys hanging out and rapping as something that is negative.

In this video, we see black boys rapping, playing basketball, skateboarding, jumping (obvs, lol), standing in front of a car... but they are happy! They are having fun! We do not see these boys carrying guns, flashing "bling", skipping school, chasing half-naked girls, getting arrested... other negative images of black men that is usually portrayed in the media. Instead, they are empowering themselves through words- with no swears, might I add- and one boy even refer to themselves as a "young, loveable type of guy".

I would also like to mention that rap is a very powerful tool. Hip hop was not always filled with Soulja Boys and T-Pains. These are also not the only rappers still around. There are a lot of great rap artists who are promoting revolution and positive change in their songs. Some of the artists that I am into right now are Dead Prez, Rebel Diaz (latino group, amazing activists), Arrested Development (I'm so into the 90's) and Saul Williams (before he sold out to Nike). I definitely feel closer and can relate to the fight for change in their words a whole lot more than those of Obama. At the end of the day, he is still a politician.

AND rap is such a cultural thing as well. But I don't feel equipped enough to get into THAT conversation. Especially since the ways that Obama is culturally black are much different than say, the way that my family is black.

I am not saying that through this song, Kriss Kross was celebrating diversity, fighting for social justice and promoting world peace. I just do not believe that there is any harm in the video, either. White children can watch TV and see a plethora of affirming representations of white folk. I believe that black children should have that same right. There is no definite goal that black children should be aiming for. They should have lots of positive options/images to choose from and we should not limit them to one view of what is right. I want my little brother to feel pride and empowerment in whatever he chooses, and to not feel guilty or bad when images of young black children singing and playing are portrayed.

Best.

----

What do you think?

don't bite the gay hands that feed you

monday 3/23/09 12:58AM

"it feels like cannibalism; it feels like suicide."

monday 3/9/09 11:20PM

hampshire poc continue to idolize wimpy whiteboi masculunitee:

"man he's so adorable i just want to lick his face."
"who is he?"
"i dont know just some first year"
"hes cute and hes tiny too"
"like a little angel."

god save us.

list of non sequiturs

hampshire bats cry like seagulls and circle the school like vultures. you can almost smell the salt in the air, taste the blood.

on a windy night, the pine trees here sound like cars whizzing by on a busy city road.

the ground is squishy and wet, in this inbetween place.

free pizza, hot milo and tetris- the absolute best study break snack.

secret thoughts of a friend- i feel like i should look away when i see her face now. feel like i tore out the page of a special book and read it out loud for the world to see. but there was so much sadness there. and so much realness, too. wanting to comfort her with my eyes but too ashamed to console anything with but her feet (a-ha!)

i love ruining moments.

it should be easier to finish this application. one page, simple question: why do you want to go abroad? i guess im having problems because its not much of a want right now- more of a need. i need to get out of here, i need to for my sanity, for my health, for a plethora of reasons and if i write all of that down in my app then im just gonna look like even more of a loon.

3/10/09 10:59PM"my mom makes rice, spaghetti and chickpeas. she's a fabulous cook. you guys would love her." ...oh.

top eight reasons why you shouldn't upset an artist:

8. they're all crazy
7. they're full of abstract emotions
6. this means that they're bad at communicating what they're feeling/thinking
5. they can get rly creative when it comes to forms of revenge
4. its basically their job to make the world see things from their pov, so no one will sympathize with you
3. they're socially awkward- aka stalking
2. yr fight will be captured in a work of art that will be exposed to the world
1. the whole world will learn that yr a douche

good weather

perfect for eating icecream on porches and discussing the pros and cons of crafting arts and chatting with the grrl next door who can be kind of quiet but is always bubbling with words and an air of mystery and sincerity and a longing for something meaner in her eyes.

also perfect weather for getting drunk and starting deep, insightful convos and then forgetting the words but not the colors or smells or spinny images of the div 3 bell on a windy night or the look she gives me when shes trying her best not to look at me.

or maybe its perfect weather to do this paper that's due before tomorrow @ 9:30am. hmm. i feel crazed.

i blame it on daylight savings and that hr im still trying to make up for.

how to love the thing that you hate the most

to you, dear tormentor:

you've got to believe me when i say that this is torture
i dont want to think abt you everyday or wonder if the shadow i see on the ground is actually you creeping up behind me
and i dont like being on edge because i think that if i blink too slowly then somethings going to jump out at me from behind the bushes
and i guess im not used to yr spontaneity yet.
i wish i could enjoy it like some normal person
revel in the excitement of not knowing when ill see you next or what youll do
but youre not doing anything good for my jittery nerves.
and if you can make me feel this shook up then of course it makes sense for me
to be afraid of rabid zombie skunks or
why wouldnt a piano fall on my head from the sky
and theres no doubt in my mind that when i look into the mirror tomorrow
my face will be half blue and my eyes will hold a strangers unfamiliar gaze
because why would anything good come of yr instability
when nothing good ever happens to me, ever
and frankly, ive forgotten what good even looks like or feels like or tastes like
except that when i see you my stomach drops and my mouth dries up and
to be completely honest, that doesn't always feel so good
especially when ive started expecting you, waiting for you,
making time for you in my busy schedule and
saving a space for you right next to me when i sleep, and
its so strange because now im starting to understand what possession feels like
kind of like sula, not love, but possession and maybe if youre mine
then i wont feel so bad or scared because there will be stability then.
there will be consistency in my possessing you, completely, body and soul.

*i dont rly know who this one's directed to but it kind of scares me that it so fully describe you both)

this is how i'm feeling right now