http://futureme.org/

Dear Future Self:

How are you? I don't want to call you be a name because i have no idea what you would prefer to be called by. yr still deciding between jd stokely and mali hopper and damali jackson now.. who knows what else youve come up with? today is yr 20th bday. when you wrote this letter, you were still a young, bright-eyed 19 yr old, reminiscing on yrs past, and anticipating what the future will hold for you.

did you have a good 2nd semester? i hope so. you deserve it. hopefully you are living in some faraway city with friends, not at home in boston. if you are lucky then you are preparing yrself for a summer of fun in europe somewhere. if you do go to london, make sure to go see the noisettes. if you go to france, then try to get involved in some sort of theater of the oppressed group over there.

how is yr family? try to find a way to see yr father and yr gramma b. i know how much y ou care abt them- you think abt them often. do you have a passport yet? i hope so. how abt a driver's license? you can even start slow- get a permit first!

enough chit chat though. you and i both know the real reason i wrote you this letter. for me, it is new yrs eve. soon it will be 2009; a new yr means a fresh start. this yr i didnt want to make resolutions or goals. it makes me feel kind of anxious and frustrated when i dont get them accomplished (how long has "lost 20 lbs" been a resolution? come on!) instead, i decided to try something new. i decided to try affirmations. below is a list of some of the affirmations you came up with, and hopefully this will serve you as a reminder of the good intentions you put out into the world on dec 31, 2008.

- you are a pretty awesome individual. this sounds weird but it is always nice to hear it sometimes. don't be so nervous all the time! you are throwing yrself into new environments which can make you critical of yrself.. how do ppl see me ? but just remember that yr a total cool kid.

- when you are passionate abt something, you set out goals and then accomplish them. do you remember the black history month show? what abt action awareness week? or the summer internship, or even struggling to get through the 1st semester of yr 2nd yr... that was hard but you did them all. now think of all the things that you can still accomplish, and probably have already in 2009! the possibilities are endless.

- it is never too late to be the person you always wanted to be. i know youve definitely felt stifled this yr. you came to hampshire with plans. and sure, you obvs wont be the same grrl you were in hs- thats definitely for the better. but maybe youll get a couple steps closer to being the type of person you want to grow up to be. yr always gonna be growing up, yr never fully grown! there's always time for change.

- do what makes you happy. these are so totally cliche. but its true!!! dont forget, you love collaging and dancing in yr underwear and putting on crazy makeup and writing letters playing dress up and reading and going on bike rides and taking pictures and singing in the shower. that stuff can always take yr mind off of things when yr feeling stressed out.

- yr body is healthy and beautiful!!

- i appreciate that you don't feel the need to have material goods. you have what you need- everything else weighs you down!

- you are intelligent and constantly growing intellectually. keep it up. pick up a book on a new subject once in a while! keep striving to learn and grow.

- you are genuine. that is one of my fav things abt you- yr openness to making real connections with ppl. dont let the fakeness of hampshire get you down, and dont get caught in any webs of drama and lies. you dont need that, esp romantically. yr honesty is yr charm! dont let go of it.

well, that's all i can think of for now. have an amazingly wonderful birthday, my darling dear! do what makes you happy today, and suround yrself with ppl you love.

best,
jd stokes.
(damali ayida)
[m. hopper]

awkward family outings: meeting the daughters- malden, ma 12/28/08

"my cousin- she lives in NY too, and she's also a filmmaker? she's a dyke. she's biracial and she has these pretty green eyes and light skin, and long curly hair... you would have never guessed when she was younger. you sure you've never heard of her? i mean, she looks like a man now."

"well, i'm sure she looks like a very pretty man."

"haha, you're right!"

" i have a friend who lives around that part of NY.. prospect heights? she doesn't do film but she's a dyke too, and.. its not that big of a place!" laughs "i'm sure they know each other."

"mmm. she's great tho- my cousin? rly sweet."

"oh, i'm sure."

---

"the great thing abt this new house is all the wonderful storage space. we can just stuff everything in the basement.."

"oh gee, rub it in..." laughs

"i didn't mean it like that!" laughs " i mean, there are perks to living in ny. like... i can't walk downstairs from my apartment at 4 in the morning and get ethnic foods."

---

"i can't believe you didn't vote for obama!"

happy bday to you

i want to write this before the day is over.

today was my little brother's bday. he is 9- wow. it blows my mind, thinking abt how he is now 9 yrs old and im 19 and i was only one yr older than him when i first held him in my arms and now.... now i cant even pick him up. he's almost up to my shoulders, which is pretty tall for an elementary school student. there is so much i want to tell him. like to make sure he puts down the seat when he pees and to listen and not talk back when mom is scolding him.

but more importantly how to spit rly far without it dribbling down yr chin or how to convince mom to let you extend yr bad time or how to sneak icecream out of the freezer in the middle of the night.. and how to grow up to be this "big strong man" everyone keeps telling him to be (already) without being a big ole jerk. that his masculinity doesnt have to equal total machismo and that a little femininity never hurt anyone. that his ability to cry when he feels sad is something that i rly envy and admire abt him.

and im thinking abt when he was younger and he wouldnt let me hold him without struggling because he'd kick and scream and boy was he the most obnoxious baby ever. and i call him bighead because that's one of the first things that the doctor mentioned when he was born and back then we called him mister man because he looked old and sour in the face. that one of the reasons i get excited to come home from school is so i can hit him upside the head cuz he knows im way too self conscious to accept all that love in public but i kiss his forehead and tuck him in at night when he's asleep.

and, oh man, when you were little i would have to duck when i changed yr diaper cuz otherwise you'd try to pee on me but once you peed on the curtain and laughed abt it and it was gross but kind of cute in a baby boy kind of way. ,

yr one of my best friends but you know that even though ill never say that and instead.. i guess we can just sing some stevie and jam out to some michael and dance the robot to blame it on the boogie and i hope today was a good day and that yr life is long and filled with happiness and fun and family and love and sunshine and basketballs.

"happy birthday to ya,
happy birthday to ya,
happy birthday."

home so far

being home is strange.

it reminds me why i dont come home- why this is no longer my home. there is no hostility or hatred waiting for me here, just unfamiliarity.

this summer i had a lot of recurring dreams. men would come in a huge van with guns and force their way into our house. after the second or third time dreaming of this, it seemed like it was their personal game- all of a sudden i would feel anxious and run to close the door, and here they would come, laughing. theyd force the door open, steal our sense of security. then two weeks before i came to school someone broke into our house.

the house got cold then. i didnt want any part of it. it wasn't my house anymore. hampshire became my home, a place where i could relax after a long day. cook a quick meal, drink a cold beer, complain about my day or rant about a crush to someone who would at least listen.

about a month ago, while at hampshire, i dreamt abt my boston house again. i had the same anxious feeling in this dream, except i wasn't in the house- i was down the street. and when i ran towards the house, i realiized that there were two gates coming down on the house, keeping those men out. i felt relieved- i no longer had to protect the house, but at the same time i was being locked out of the house as well. it was no longer my problem though- i could move on, go somewhere else. and so i did.

i find it funny that after having that dream, i still feel trapped in this house, thanks to the snow and an obligation to my mother.

this is my third day being home, and i have probably talked to my mama for a total of 10 minutes. we have nothing to talk abt. i know that she feels lonely and trapped because of the surg. maybe a bit restless as well. i dont know what to say or do, though. its the whole unfamiliarity thing that i mentioned. whenever my little brother talks abt ma, he says "my mother" and i do believe that he is right. for example:

we are sitting in my mother's room. she painted it pale blue this summer, to remind her of the sea. there were bowls full of sand-colored seashells, but by now they are all broken and scattered around the room. my mother is lying on the bed, her hand on her forehead. just looking at her makes me tired. so i dont. instead i sit at the foot of her bed and look at my computer screen. my brother is sprawled on the ground, looking mischievous. he looks up at me and smiles.

notice something?

no, i reply, without taking my eyes off of the screen. it has been black for quite some time now.

i lost a tooth, he replies. he grins again, and i look up quickly, nod.

i'm going to get five bucks from the tooth fairy. he looks up at mama slyly. she doesn't move. damali, do you think the tooth fairy is gonna give me five bucks for this tooth?

i look up and laugh. let me tell you a story:

when i was ten, i came home from school. my tooth came out and i decided that i wanted money. all of my other friends parents gave them money when their teeth came loose.

she looks up finally.

so i told mama abt my tooth. i showed it to her and i talked all night abt the money that the tooth fairy was going to give me for my loose tooth. how much- a dollar? two dollars? twenty maybe?

she loses interest and places her hand back on her head. my brother is hanging on to my every word.

so how much did you get?

finally, it was night time. i put my tooth under my pillow, just as my friend from school instructed me to do. that night i had dreams of what i would buy with my money. candy, toys, jewelry- who knew what i could get? when i woke up, i looked under my pillow, reached around. the tooth was gone, and in its place, there was an envelope.

and?

and written on the back side of the envelope was a note. it read: darling daughter- if you would like to believe in the tooth fairy, that is fine with me. but i am not giving you any money. love, mom.

what a horrible woman, she says abruptly. her hand is still perched on her head, covering her face. such a bad mother, traumatizing her child like that.

i laugh and laugh, and my brother stares at me like im possessed.

new inspiration.

and so it begins.. again. more research.







* for the show: love song/ end of the show?

cowrie shells

stop making bad decisions!

i havent updated this ting in a while so i figured i might as well.

i have spent my weekend getting drunk and going to awkward parties rather than doing what i need to be doing- my finals. ive still got to finish my paper/portfolio for framing blackness, as well as my digital story/e-portfolio for critical pedagogy. and on top of that, i need to be home. my mom is having surgery tomorrow and i still dont have a ride home. i feel nervous.. i know everything is going to go fine for her but i still wish that i could be there with her. but at the same time... i wish i didnt have to go home. i feel like...

i dont know.

i feel like i need to be doing things that make me happy. i say this a lot but i rly would like to be doing theater. for the last day of my ind study class, we all walked around in commedia masks and did improv. and it felt sooo goood to just be silly and play and move around and i loved it. i am going to asst direct a friend's show, but i am thinking abt directing something for the black history month show again.. something like what i did last yr. i think that will be rly good for me.

oh! also, im the new SGC! yay!!

what else? hmm.. i dont rly know. im broke, but that's nothing new. my room's still dirty even though i just spent the last hour and a half "cleaning" it (aka playing dinorun and youtube-ing daria episodes. )

i will do a better update soon.

<3.

black imagination meets blaxploitation...

so i kind of wrote this in a rush today.. instead of doing my finals- ha!

there's a poster from the blaxploitation era that i love (see above) ... for a movie called "Black Girl". ive never seen the movie but the poster and quote are dope... so I wrote a little monologue-y thing. i was thinking abt using it for something.. but for right now, its just another little thing i wrote. so enjoy. :)

(pst- actual blog post to come)

---



She's got to cut it... or cut out.

Shes a Black Girl
... your girl.
(poster for the movie "Black Girl" (1974)

you know, i got dreams of kickin white ass the way they do in those movies from the 70's. stickin it to the man- yea! in my mind, i am foxy cleopatra jones brown sugar honey iced tea. and boy do i look goooood. i got on these tight white shorts, the sailor waisted kind? and ive got these crazy boots that come all the way up mid thigh and a little leather jacket with not much underneath? yeah, and ive got this huge ass afro, cuz you know i gotta stay true to my roots.

worrd.

i can imagine some white fool of a motherfucker comin up to me and comin out at the mouth:

well actually, my family went to africa once and built a few huts. then we took pictures of ourselves surrounded by brown babies and i put them all up on facebook. man that was a great 48 hours. africa really is a great country.

now, what usually happens in a situation like this is that i do one of two things:

1) i can close my eyes, count to ten and brush it off

or...

2) i can take the time to explain what was wrong with that statement.

but man, i dont got the energy or patience to deal with that shit anymore....
shoooot, in my dreamworld as foxy cleopatra jones brown ... you get it... i would knock that cracker out in a matter of seconds- pow, POW- give a sassy shake of the head, and keep it movin.

or now suppose im in a classroom, and somebody mentions slavery...

come on, i know some of you get what im talkin about! you're one of two black kids in a classroom, but the other kid's in the back of the room snorin or on his computer youtubin shit and the topic of slavery, or the civil rights movement, or Oprah or how Beyonce keeps gettin blonder and whiter or anything that mentions any black person in the history of the world EVER- what happens? there you were, countin down the minutes until class is over, drawin pictures of flowers and hearts and shit in yr notebook and all of a sudden you get this eery feeling that you're bein watched. you slowly look up from yr notebook and you realize that there are about 30 pairs of eyes lookin at you to say somethin. and the teacher aint sayin a damn thing cuz they're starin you down too!! What the fuck are you supposed to do with that? I mean, what's that shit supposed to be- flattery? And do you think I know more about the Black Power movement than you? I'm sittin right next to you in the same damn intro class! Fuck you! Just do the damn readings! I aint come to college to fuckin teach a class of 31 white people!

its times like these i just ask myself, what would foxy do? she'd probably roll her eyes and walk the fuck out. she probably wouldnt even be sittin in that damn classroom- what she need to know abt black power anyways? she got all the black power she needs- in that fist and that fro, baby.

it dont help that these dumb ass white folx got me feelin like more of a mammy than a foxy. some skinny white grrl stood next to me in the bathroom today and started complainin bout how big her ass was, how big her thighs were, how she didnt know what the hell to do with her hair anymore. now, first of all, im thinkin, whothafuckareyou?? second im thinkin, what are you talkin about? yr ass is flat, yr thighs dont even touch, yr blonde hair is long and wavy... and since when is big a bad thing? and what are you thinkin abt me? here i was, feelin good abt that cutie in the mirror, and yr comin over here makin me rethink how i feel abt my curvy thighs, my big ass, my short nappy crown. and now that i think abt it... foxy wasnt all that big, now was she? i mean, she was thick, but... she didnt look too much like me. she didnt have my size or my chocolate complexion... hell, she could probably squeeze into some of those american apparel skinny jeans that are so popular here.

man... every day i get reminded that i dont live in my fantasy world. i probably couldnt fit into those tiny little white shorts... my hair is way too short for a fro. and how the hell am i supposed to kick ass in 4 inch heels when i can barely walk straight with my two feet as is?

instead, i get to listen to white people drone on and on and on ... sayin a whole lot of... nothin.

friends, i want to tell yall a secret. i am tired of this world. i am tired of making the effort. i am tired of not bein seen or heard. i am tired of havin to fight twice as hard to get half as far. i am tired of this knife still stuck 4 excruciatin inches in my back, with no way to reach around and pull it out. man, i am tired of bein tired, yall.

and so... im leavin this world. dont waste yr time tryna to find me, cuz you wont. i found a way out, and im gonna create my own world, full of black grrls like me lookin for a place to call home. a whole queer black grrl nation! now, dont you worry about me, ill be fine. if i was you, id worry abt my own damn self, and how yr gonna manage in this old, jank ass world without me.

whatchu mean, im crazy? youre the crazy one! taking this shit with a smile on yr face every day. im fed up to HERE and im done with acceptin less than what i deserve. im ready to kick some ass, make love to some fine ass sisters, have myself a grand ole time, and just be happy and nappy.

oh so now yr calling me a romantic, huh? no place for queer black grrls like me? hmmph. i know im not some crazy romantic. i dreamt abt a place like this once. you know what, im not even gonna waste words on you anymore. i thought you were down. guess not.

well friends, i guess this is goodbye. i am on to bigger and badder things. ya dig?

...oh, and you can tell that finnnee lookin sister in the back? how you doin, boo? yeah, she can come too.