home so far

being home is strange.

it reminds me why i dont come home- why this is no longer my home. there is no hostility or hatred waiting for me here, just unfamiliarity.

this summer i had a lot of recurring dreams. men would come in a huge van with guns and force their way into our house. after the second or third time dreaming of this, it seemed like it was their personal game- all of a sudden i would feel anxious and run to close the door, and here they would come, laughing. theyd force the door open, steal our sense of security. then two weeks before i came to school someone broke into our house.

the house got cold then. i didnt want any part of it. it wasn't my house anymore. hampshire became my home, a place where i could relax after a long day. cook a quick meal, drink a cold beer, complain about my day or rant about a crush to someone who would at least listen.

about a month ago, while at hampshire, i dreamt abt my boston house again. i had the same anxious feeling in this dream, except i wasn't in the house- i was down the street. and when i ran towards the house, i realiized that there were two gates coming down on the house, keeping those men out. i felt relieved- i no longer had to protect the house, but at the same time i was being locked out of the house as well. it was no longer my problem though- i could move on, go somewhere else. and so i did.

i find it funny that after having that dream, i still feel trapped in this house, thanks to the snow and an obligation to my mother.

this is my third day being home, and i have probably talked to my mama for a total of 10 minutes. we have nothing to talk abt. i know that she feels lonely and trapped because of the surg. maybe a bit restless as well. i dont know what to say or do, though. its the whole unfamiliarity thing that i mentioned. whenever my little brother talks abt ma, he says "my mother" and i do believe that he is right. for example:

we are sitting in my mother's room. she painted it pale blue this summer, to remind her of the sea. there were bowls full of sand-colored seashells, but by now they are all broken and scattered around the room. my mother is lying on the bed, her hand on her forehead. just looking at her makes me tired. so i dont. instead i sit at the foot of her bed and look at my computer screen. my brother is sprawled on the ground, looking mischievous. he looks up at me and smiles.

notice something?

no, i reply, without taking my eyes off of the screen. it has been black for quite some time now.

i lost a tooth, he replies. he grins again, and i look up quickly, nod.

i'm going to get five bucks from the tooth fairy. he looks up at mama slyly. she doesn't move. damali, do you think the tooth fairy is gonna give me five bucks for this tooth?

i look up and laugh. let me tell you a story:

when i was ten, i came home from school. my tooth came out and i decided that i wanted money. all of my other friends parents gave them money when their teeth came loose.

she looks up finally.

so i told mama abt my tooth. i showed it to her and i talked all night abt the money that the tooth fairy was going to give me for my loose tooth. how much- a dollar? two dollars? twenty maybe?

she loses interest and places her hand back on her head. my brother is hanging on to my every word.

so how much did you get?

finally, it was night time. i put my tooth under my pillow, just as my friend from school instructed me to do. that night i had dreams of what i would buy with my money. candy, toys, jewelry- who knew what i could get? when i woke up, i looked under my pillow, reached around. the tooth was gone, and in its place, there was an envelope.

and?

and written on the back side of the envelope was a note. it read: darling daughter- if you would like to believe in the tooth fairy, that is fine with me. but i am not giving you any money. love, mom.

what a horrible woman, she says abruptly. her hand is still perched on her head, covering her face. such a bad mother, traumatizing her child like that.

i laugh and laugh, and my brother stares at me like im possessed.