lessons.

there are a lot of lessons that i need to learn this school year. i'm a tad bit hardheaded but i think i am starting to "get it".

the first one is that unless i change my actions, i can't expect different results. i need to repeat this to myself, so that it can really stick.

the second is that i wont get what i want(need?) unless i ask for it. which means that i need to figure out what exactly it is that i want (which is more intimidating than it sounds.)

third, i am really blessed. and i need to constantly stay aware of that. school has been amazing so far, and even though it hasn't been the way that i thought it was gonna be, everything has worked out better than i expected.

finally, when in doubt, just do your homework. instead of stressing or getting caught in drama or whatever, i need to just remember that i am first and foremost a student. and doing homework is the best distraction from everything else.

Love poem.

"Love Poem"

Speak earth and bless me with what is richest
make sky flow honey out of my hips
rigis mountains
spread over a valley
carved out by the mouth of rain.

And I knew when I entered her I was
high wind in her forests hollow
fingers whispering sound
honey flowed
from the split cup
impaled on a lance of tongues
on the tips of her breasts on her navel
and my breath
howling into her entrances
through lungs of pain.

Greedy as herring-gulls
or a child
I swing out over the earth
over and over
again.

-Audre Lorde

*Dear Ms Lorde- you make me so happy to be young and black and gay

(queer blacks unite!)

new friends, night adventures.

When Tzitzi and I walk, we discover forgotten places. In the middle of the field, she twirls her body around, arms spread out and eyes shut, like a distraught baby bird. She finally stops, and for a moment, I am sure that she will collapse, dizzily, onto the grassy floor. Instead, she points forward, and we follow the direction of her fingers (me, stomping- and she, tripping) through what used to be a corn field.

Behind the book center, everything is still. In this blue-grey light, I can imagine what Pompeii must have looked like, when all the dust settled and solidified everything in ash. Many of the rooms are still dimly lit, and I am afraid to look into the large windows, not wanting to see a spectral face peering curiously back out at me. "You scared?" Tzi asks, and I laugh, trying not to show my chattering teeth.

We continue walking, past the pristine bushes and trickling fountain, to find a floor of what looks like linoleum tiles. This pale, beige floor looks out of place here, against the bright night's sky, but this is what we have come here to see. "..the best part." I look up to catch Tzi's last words, and watch as she prepares herself for her next task. Suddenly, she is kicking hundreds of little rocks onto the tiles, and the noise sounds like the rattling of hollow bones. She orchestrates a show of stones for me, and the notes echo off into the woods, and I feel happy and safe and pleased.


-----
When Tzitzi and I walk, we discover forgotten places.
In the middle of the field, she
twirls her body around, arms spread out and
eyes shut, like a distraught baby bird.
She finally stops, and for a moment,
I am sure that she will collapse, dizzily,
onto the grassy floor. Instead, she points forward,
and we follow the direction of her fingers
(me, stomping- and she, tripping)
through what used to be a corn field.

Behind the book center, everything is still.
In this blue-grey light, I can imagine Pompeii,
when all the dust settled and solidified everything in ash.
Many of the rooms are still dimly lit,
and I am afraid to look into the large windows,
not wanting to see a spectral face
peering curiously back out at me. "You scared?"
Tzi asks, and I laugh,
trying not to show my chattering teeth.

We continue walking,
past the pristine bushes and trickling fountain,
to find a floor of linoleum tiles.
This pale, beige floor looks out of place here,
against the bright night's sky, but this
is what we have come here to see.

Tzitzi prepares herself for her next task. Suddenly,
she is kicking hundreds of little rocks against the sandy tiles,
and the noise sounds like the rattling of hollow bones.
The notes echo off into the woods,
and I feel happy and safe and pleased.

feelings?

I am feeling so many things... but I don't really know what they are or why or how...

I have been feeling anxious, as usual, in that place right above my bellybutton, and inbetween my ribcage. I try to breathe into it, and exhale the stress, but it dosent always work.

I have also been digging my nails into the fleshy parts of me: my palms, hips, thighs, lips, shoulders.. to remind myself that I am in and of my body. If that makes sense.

I think this stress has to do with div, and with preparing myself for the next stage of life, and meeting new people who look at me like im supposed to be some role model or something... I keep having the missing teeth dream, although this last one was a bit too graphic for me to recall here.

at the end of the day, i kind of have too many feelings and wish i had either a pillow or someone to curl up with and fall asleep next to (once you realize you cant sleep alone, its hard to go back!)

what's goingon in my life, i guess.

So many exciting things have happened, and I barely realized it!

On Thursday, I handed in my Div II portfolio. I am terrified that I failed and will have to stay a semester longer... I need to be out of this place as quickly as possible.

The Brits are coming in mid-October, and I have no idea what I am supposed to do with them. I am going to work my best on being a good hostess, but I don't have much money, either, so we will have to do fun and *cheap* things.

THERE ARE SO MANY FLIES! They are everywhere and I hate them. Everyday I kill about three or four, and everyday, more appear. I hate flies so flipping much.

There are so many new faces at Hampshire. I have been hanging out with a different gorup of people, which is exciting because I get to make new friends, tiring because sometimes I just want to hang out with people my own year, and sad because I wont be around to watch people grow into themselves. A lot of the first years that I met are so sweet and kind, and I am curious to see what they do at Hampshire in the future. But I guess we have until May to find out!

I have a plant. Her name is Baby Paprika and she is an ornamental pepper plant. She grows white flowers and red, purple & white peppers. I love her already, and after the death of Red Maple, I am going to do my best to take care of her.

I have found some great ways to tackle my anxiety/stress. I remember to look up- the stars have been great here. I also go to the farm and pick flowers and basil and mint.

Tomorrow, I meet the little boy that I will start babysitting! He is 2, and already a multi-linguist. Hopefully, he likes me... :/

That's all for now, I guess. I have a lot (at least 4) letters to write, which I might do today.

character studies

#1: as soon as you were born, you were bundled in a nest of joy, the arms of living ancestors cradled you to sleep. your face retains the shape of innocence, your cheeks rosy and full from smiling too much. you are quick to laugh, although your brows betray your volatile temper (one can easily imagine that you are no stranger to tantrums). your curiosity can easily be mistaken for silence, but your eyes shine with eager involvement. you hold your body like a child whose father held her, as a baby, in one all-encompassing palm, and gently stroked her face with another. in short, you look like one who has known love.

#2: often your voice sounds as if it is breaking. your hands chip away things, a nervous habit. you seem to set yourself up to be broken.


* I will come back to these.