how to love the thing that you hate the most

to you, dear tormentor:

you've got to believe me when i say that this is torture
i dont want to think abt you everyday or wonder if the shadow i see on the ground is actually you creeping up behind me
and i dont like being on edge because i think that if i blink too slowly then somethings going to jump out at me from behind the bushes
and i guess im not used to yr spontaneity yet.
i wish i could enjoy it like some normal person
revel in the excitement of not knowing when ill see you next or what youll do
but youre not doing anything good for my jittery nerves.
and if you can make me feel this shook up then of course it makes sense for me
to be afraid of rabid zombie skunks or
why wouldnt a piano fall on my head from the sky
and theres no doubt in my mind that when i look into the mirror tomorrow
my face will be half blue and my eyes will hold a strangers unfamiliar gaze
because why would anything good come of yr instability
when nothing good ever happens to me, ever
and frankly, ive forgotten what good even looks like or feels like or tastes like
except that when i see you my stomach drops and my mouth dries up and
to be completely honest, that doesn't always feel so good
especially when ive started expecting you, waiting for you,
making time for you in my busy schedule and
saving a space for you right next to me when i sleep, and
its so strange because now im starting to understand what possession feels like
kind of like sula, not love, but possession and maybe if youre mine
then i wont feel so bad or scared because there will be stability then.
there will be consistency in my possessing you, completely, body and soul.

*i dont rly know who this one's directed to but it kind of scares me that it so fully describe you both)