captain underpants

"granny panty blues" wed 8/12/09, 10:12am

my mother always sees it fit to
bless me with the gift of endless panties
bulky plastic packages filled with
high waisted, full bottomed granny drawers
while cute teen models on the label show off perfectly toned body parts
and perfectly clean-shaven coochies,
dancing happily in their brightly colored underwear.
i open my package to find enormous tents of
black, grey, white and "nude".
what am i supposed to do with these, i wonder
but instead think its best to drawl out a
"gee, thanks mom"
before running upstairs to shove the bottoms towards the bottom
of my panty drawer.
somehow, i always find myself, months later, looking for a fresh pair
and find nothing but the awkward grey ones with the band that's too loose
or the faded pink ones that are too short in the back
and i put them on begrudgingly, hoping that
no one decides to undress me with their eyes today
and knowing that i'll have to wear the unflattering jeans to match,
instead of the skin tight ones, all the while
wishing i wasn't caught in the awkward space of
yearning for the baggy freedom of boxers or
the slinky sexiness of lace and silk,
so although i'm stuck with grannies today
i think from now on i'll just commando.