when i grow up...

one day i'll learn how to write like a "writer" and i'll make everyone proud. i'll write something that makes everyone go, "oh!" and they'll want to laugh and cry at the same time. ill write something that makes people want to create something beautiful for themselves. one day i'll learn how to become an inspiration...


it's very strange, realizing the influence i have on my lil brother. to be honest, it kind of bothers me. sometime he looks at me with those big brown eyes and i know that he sees something brilliant. but there's not much there. i don't think i could bear to see the change in his eyes when he realizes that i'm just as human as everybody else. that's exactly why i gave up having heroes when i was younger, especially in my parents- i couldn't bear to be disappointed.

i realized the other day that i really admired my mother when i was younger. i still do, very much, but... it's not the same. but it's not supposed to be, right? she can't treat me like i'm 5 forever. i just kind of wish that she "got it". i know i don't really make an effort when it comes to letting her into my life so that we can strengthen our relationship, but it's only because that doesn't seem like the proper thing to do. the job of a child is to been seen and not heard, to listen and obey, to be respectful and polite and answer a parent's every beck and call. a parent-child relationship should be one of servitude, not one of friendship.

my parents did not raise me like this. so where did i learn that from, i wonder?

sometimes i get so angry that i want to burst. there is so much i want to tell my mother, especially when i am angry. i want to tell her off a lot, and it is so frustrating, not being able to do so. but it's not that she doesn't want to listen, it's that i'm not willing to talk. i tend to silence myself a lot. when it comes to me and my mother, my silence is my weapon. but it's a double-edged sword. because i have forgotten how to speak, and it effects my relationships with people, too.

i told someone that they reminded me of my mother once, and for that i am very sorry. she was a great person, but i didn't know how to verbalize my feelings towards her, or about her, or anything, really. i regret that.

i am so grateful for my friends, the true friends that listen to me. when i talk, i am always doubting myself, even talking online. i would very much like to erase the words "i don't know" from my vocabulary, but it's a habit that won't go away. it's funny- i am a very emotional person, but i can't express my emotions at all. it makes me very uncomfortable when people really want to know how i feel, what i think, want me to express my opinion. all that attention makes me feel like i'm under some sort of microscope, like i'm being examined and i'm afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.

i'd rather not burden people by verbalizing my emotions. there is nothing i hate more than being a bother. i just want to make sure that i am helpful and that other people are happy and satisfied. it is very strange for me to want to be this selfless, but i have always been like this. i am a very selfish person, though. i am very absorbed in myself, which i guess we all are as humans. we are put here for such a short amount of time and we want to figure our purpose in this world before we go. i feel that my selflessness has a lot to do with my selfishness. i guess taking care of people is my way of showing that i want to be cared for myself, and that i want to be acknowledged- by standing in the shadows. i can also claim that person for mine when i care for them. i put so much emotion into the people that i care for that it is unhealthy for me, mentally and physically, i know, but it's just the way i am. i know that this is dangerous, because i can be forgotten and taken advantage of in this way, and i usually am.

this all also has to do with why i can't be with anyone seriously, ever. that is too scary for me. i would hate to be the most important thing to someone, because it would mean that they are always focusing their attention on me, and that would bother me. but i am also very needy, and would feel the need to focus all of my mental and emotional attention on them all the time. i always say that i love hard. this person and i would become hermits, and i hate people who do that. and if we were ever to break up, i don't know what i would do. so i don't take relationships seriously, or people who are interested in me seriously. i have come to terms that my life is one destined to be lonely. regardless of how many people i am with, i will never let anyone romantically get close to me. i would only end up suffocating them to death. it is healthier for both of us that way.

so i live vicariously through my writing.

writing is like breathing for me. my breathing may not always be steady. sometimes it feels like the world is weighing down on my lungs and it gets harder to breathe, but in order to live, i need to breathe, and as long as i am alive, i will be breathing. that is how writing is for me. i will do it until i die. i may not be very good, but it is necessary for me. it is the one thing that i can truly count on.

phew.