justwrite.

okay, im stealing an idea from a friend. i feel like i need to just.. write. maybe this will help me get over my fear of divplay. so- philly.

i love it here. i feel so comfortable walking and exploring- everyone seems so friendly. my neighborhood is the type of place where people see you on the street and say hello, ask how you're doing. i tell my brother this and he laughs at me, says that i have the cloak of blackness to hide my outsiderness, at least until i open my mouth. if i stay quiet then i can probably pass for so and so's neicedaughterauntycousinsister. south philly isn't the part of philly that i'm used to. here, the streets are so narrow that drivers have to park on the curb. when we moved in, it took helyx about twenty minutes to finally lift the wheel of the car onto the sidewalk. two neighbors mentioned it to us the next morning, about how they laughed at the whiteboy who couldn't park right. sometimes when we leave the house, men call us ladies. of course, being called a lady is a lot better than being called other things- it's respectful. but i have to admit that i get jealous of helyx's ability to pass for a boy sometimes, even if it was only a trick of the night. i am beginning to realize that i will miss large amount of black people that i see everyday. black and brown bodies just being. yes, i will even miss the men&women on street corners, on subways, on bus rides, in corner stores, on park benches, who praise my body with their eyes and their mouths. my self esteem has been beat up by hampshire's stupid standards of beauty for so long that after a while, every cat call feels like a blessing, a thankyou to my brown thickness.

but i think i am ready for trees again. i forget what a million little stars look like from inside of a cornfield. i am ready to spend my days lounging on the grass, pushing off all thoughts of the real world, at least for another year.