fiddytoo rant

I know that I won't be here next semester, but have been feeling extremely emotionally tied to my mod this past couple of weeks. It has been a very strange place this year- not just for me, but for a lot of people. It has also been a very important space for me. I am starting to wonder where we are going wrong, however. Why has it been so hard to fill the space this year? Why is it that people keep leaving the space? Why do I come home to white boys lounging on my my couch, or watch them cook in my kitchen without cleaning up? What does the space even mean anymore?

I've been feeling extremely sentimental about fifty two, especially since an older student put up some old pictures of fifty two on facebook. This space has been one of the oldest people of color spaces this year, but I feel like people are starting to disrespect the space in a very real way. I don't think that it really matters how you ended up living in the space as much as it matters what you've done in the space while living there, and what it starts to mean to you. Anyone can write a good application, but how do they decide to give back to their modmates (and ultimately, their community) while living in this mod?

Maybe people haven't been thinking about it this year. However, I don't think we were always given a fair chance to "prove ourselves" as a mod this year. At the beginning of the year, I mentioned to a Smith student that I had just met that I lived in 52. They gave their companion a knowing look and replied, "I heard that 52 is not the same this year." I remember being really offended by that. But the more that I think about it, the happier I am that our house is constantly changing- as it should be. People of Color mod should change frequently to meet the needs of the students who live there (which should also change). I feel like it is a space that you utilize when you need it, and then move on so that another student who needs the space can enter. However, maybe it has been so hard to continue the space this year because there was such a strong removal of the "old 52" from it. There hasn't been much contact from students who were in 52 for so long, even the ones who are still on campus. But that's a good thing, right? I'm not quite sure. I mean a physical removal, not an emotional one.

This year I have felt so disconnected and abandoned from communities that I was so heavily involved in last year (JB Scholars, 52 S08, even UMOJA). I don't know if it's because people graduate, because people ARE graduating, that people are still emotionally drained from AAW, or for some other reason. But I really haven't felt CONSISTENTLY supported from POC this year other than the ones in my mod. Most of the time. And I am thinking about my need for the space, and wondering if I am alone in that. If maybe no one wants to live in 52 or if it's been hard to sustain this year because it is not currently needed. Because if these houses were needed, then wouldn't the beds get filled? So I am starting to think that maybe we SHOULD lose the house. Just for the grace year, and then fight for it back. This seemed to work for 85. Maybe it will work for 52 as well. Maybe the space needs to be missed by someone. It doesn't seem very appreciated right now, or cared about. And I guess, as things stand, we don't really have any other choice.