whoa whoa whoa

now, i remember
these lil kiddies i used ta know.
they were cute and small and
followed me around sometimes, but
now these lil kids aren't so small anymore.

what do they feed these kids in hs nowadays?
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in other news

what does the word mother mean to you?

the word mother fills me both with joy and pain.

mother is so close to mammy, and although i want one, i feel the need to rebuke the other. it's a hard struggle, wanting to be maternal and supportive and loving one day, but wanting the freedom to choose that, rather than being forced into that mold.

i think abt how in hs, kids would call me mama, or compare me to a mother. and i think abt how my black women friends greet each other, "hey, mama!" and it's funny how the same word can seem so difference.

maybe its because they don't grab at my breasts when they say it, or their sincerity. i dunno.

maybe they see themselves in me, that mother thats in all of us. or...

maybe they recognize that mama as an actual being, with flaws and needs and young and alive.

or...

maybe it's that as black women we are forced to be our own mothers. we're so used to being alone, uncared for- we're survivors, we don't need no one nothing. you know, the myth of superwoman, the strong black woman that we're always getting accused of being (esp if you replace the word strong with angry.)

my mother still tells me that all i have is her. that she raised me with her bare hands- she was mother, father, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles- she was my everything. because no one else cared, no one else helped. from the beginning it was me and her.

and now its her and my lil brother...

and me... well, ive got the skin on my back, the thoughts in my head, the words on my tongue, a prayer in my heart...

but thats a lonely life, and its hard to be me myself and i all the time.

sometimes when i call out to my friends, "mama!" i feel like a child again. i feel so vulnerable, because there is so much need and so much emotion in that cry. its just a greeting, and afterwards we laugh it off, but hidden in that greeting is the want to nurture and support and love each other, and be nurtured and supported and loved in return.