last night

in my dream i watched a man in a tank get devoured by a shark. First the water in the tank was pink, then red, then burgundy. It would have been beautiful, if it wasn't for the tragedy.

"To see a shark in your dream, indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps, you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities."

The shark was hungry, but it was the man's fault for being in the tank in the first place. No one told him to trust a shark. Instead, everyone blamed his partner for not feeding the shark. They called her a bad woman.

"To dream that others are bleeding, signifies an emotional cry for help."

It is easier than you think to turn your head, and walk away.

bahhhh

my gpa passed away yesterday. it seems so funny to say passed away... so gentle. he died. my pop pop is dead.

it hasn't sunk in... when we saw his body laying in the hospital bed, it looked like he was sleeping. like he was breathing slowly. his eyes were still open... they looked watery and sad. he looked so sad. his hands were white and swollen.

he was an engineer, a northeastern grad, a sax player, a mason, a dad, an uncle, a pop pop.. he rarely ever had a complaint, and would always tell you that he was super, never better.

after watching his hands turn whiter and more rigid, i started to hate the feeling of my own hands. they felt heavy and temporary. they felt like flesh.

i want to come back to this. i want to give myself the space and time to cry for my grandfather and then come back to this.

notes from class

hey all.

here are some one-liners that i really liked and wrote down from my class. prob won't make a lot of sense to anyone else, which is fine by me:

"she invites people to deconstruct her"

"commodification of history"

"a weeping audience that doesn't agree"

"we only have language for what we are comfortable with- but what about the moments when we lose language?"

"to define Self, you need an Other."

"Dont be a menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood" (lol)

"all of our American narratives are formed through the lens of minstrelsy"

d'awww.

"you gotta remember that not a lot of people do div 3s that involve working with other people and i think its awesome that you are doing that. but it means that you gotta count on people you dont even know to show up to an audition. its like youre building a house or something, you gotta lay the foundation then put down the floor then put up the frame and add the roof and at first you look at the ground and youre like theres no way in hell theres gonna be a house here but eventually you look up and theres a fucking house that you built with other people."

- Sarah R.

this made me feel so much better abt div, you have no idea.

tired & uninspired

its been really hard to do much of anything lately. i feel so emotionally drained, even though i barely go to class, i barely do my work or even go to work... i sleep a lot. but even sleeping doesn't feel the same. not as good. more and more, i find myself not wanting to be here. i feel so much happier when i'm writing, but i haven't been able to get it together enough to write about anything. this is affecting my div 3 in huge ways.. the main one being that it's unfinished, and there's nothing that is inspiring me to write. when i get into these moods, it feels like i'll never write anything ever again. or.. i feel like i cant even remember what inspiration feels like. i read over my old work and it feels so weak. and feeling uninspired just heightens my feelings of lonelinesss... :/

right now i'm at home for break, hoping that i might be able to seek some inspiration... somewhere. maybe. i'm going to see if i can find my mammy statue tomorrow. i'm just hoping that a break from hampshire will be good for me, especially since my family drama has calmed down a lot (although, we'll see what happens during the rest of the week.)

damn, i wish someone would just send me a book of writing prompts or something. this is fucking ridiculous. it took me way too long to even feel up to writing (and finishing) this blog post! :(

another love poem (by someone who is in love with being in love)

you are looking at me
like you want to know me. biblically.
you smile slow and show
your shark teeth and i am melting.
you.
are.
so.
fine.
do you know it? damn.
my eyes have
found you in the crowd again. how do they do that?
like there's some
magnetic attraction between them and that spot
between your shoulder blades. right below
the nape of your neck. i see that spot and
i want to tell you everything.
share every dirty thought i've had since fifth grade
till five seconds ago. like how
i'm imagining how soft your hair is.. everywhere.
or that when our eyes meet, and you get quiet,
your silence always sounds expectant. as if
you are waiting for me to... what,
exactly?

when you drag your feet,
i want to tell you that it's okay to stay.
that i want you here. that i am waiting for you
to whisper truths into my mouth.

man, it's been a long time.

Wanna see my div 3?

Well, you can't. Because I'm not done writing it. But here's a new scene I wrote today. Will I use it? Maybe, maybe not. Just as some heads up, it's after Claire & Adanne have a bit of a fight in bed. Claire got a little overemotional. Now they're in the living room, drinking some tea.


(Claire and Adanne are drinking tea.)

Adanne: you feel better now?

Claire: mm. (sips at tea) that was so embarrassing.

Adanne: (pause) shit happens

Claire: yeah...

Adanne: you gonna tell me whats wrong?

Claire: (pause) nothing... its..

Adanne: you know im here for you, right? (pause) claire, i lo-

Claire: don't.

Adanne: (pause) okay. (pause) did i do something? i mean, i shouldn't have-

Claire: (laughs) it's not you. i promise. (adanne looks concerned) you're so cute. (kiss on the nose) like a little momma, concerned for her baby. (adanne stiffens) you're so good to me. (claire starts to cry more, catches herself.) im sorry.

Adanne: come here. (holds her, kisses the top of her head) its okay.

Claire: (claire relaxes. sighs into her) you smell so good.

Adanne: mm.

Claire: your skin is so smooth.

Adanne: (laughs) its called moisturizer. you should try it sometime.

Claire: (reaches up to her hair) your hair is soft.

Adanne: (on guard now) you sound surprised.

Claire: why dont you ever let it down during the day?

Adanne: well, i work in an office...

Claire: yeah. if you let it down, id be so distracted. my fingers would be stuck in your hair all day.

(adanne gently removes claires hand from her hair, claire thinks this is an intimate thing, grasps her hand)

Claire: i used to want hair like yours. You know, when I was younger. I dreamed about having an afro- like pam grier or something (laughs) and like... i wanted dark skin so bad. look at me.. i feel so washed out sometimes. see? (holds their hands out together) you're skin is so beautiful. so colorful. im just some plain white jewish girl from jersey. nothing exciting about that.

---

Yeah. I think Claire might be cheating on Adanne, the bitch. But we have to wait and let the characters speak for themselves, or something. Writing a play is hard work, yall.