dear facebook

stop eating my brain.

you are now deactivated until the end of finals- g'bye for now.

fiddytoo rant

I know that I won't be here next semester, but have been feeling extremely emotionally tied to my mod this past couple of weeks. It has been a very strange place this year- not just for me, but for a lot of people. It has also been a very important space for me. I am starting to wonder where we are going wrong, however. Why has it been so hard to fill the space this year? Why is it that people keep leaving the space? Why do I come home to white boys lounging on my my couch, or watch them cook in my kitchen without cleaning up? What does the space even mean anymore?

I've been feeling extremely sentimental about fifty two, especially since an older student put up some old pictures of fifty two on facebook. This space has been one of the oldest people of color spaces this year, but I feel like people are starting to disrespect the space in a very real way. I don't think that it really matters how you ended up living in the space as much as it matters what you've done in the space while living there, and what it starts to mean to you. Anyone can write a good application, but how do they decide to give back to their modmates (and ultimately, their community) while living in this mod?

Maybe people haven't been thinking about it this year. However, I don't think we were always given a fair chance to "prove ourselves" as a mod this year. At the beginning of the year, I mentioned to a Smith student that I had just met that I lived in 52. They gave their companion a knowing look and replied, "I heard that 52 is not the same this year." I remember being really offended by that. But the more that I think about it, the happier I am that our house is constantly changing- as it should be. People of Color mod should change frequently to meet the needs of the students who live there (which should also change). I feel like it is a space that you utilize when you need it, and then move on so that another student who needs the space can enter. However, maybe it has been so hard to continue the space this year because there was such a strong removal of the "old 52" from it. There hasn't been much contact from students who were in 52 for so long, even the ones who are still on campus. But that's a good thing, right? I'm not quite sure. I mean a physical removal, not an emotional one.

This year I have felt so disconnected and abandoned from communities that I was so heavily involved in last year (JB Scholars, 52 S08, even UMOJA). I don't know if it's because people graduate, because people ARE graduating, that people are still emotionally drained from AAW, or for some other reason. But I really haven't felt CONSISTENTLY supported from POC this year other than the ones in my mod. Most of the time. And I am thinking about my need for the space, and wondering if I am alone in that. If maybe no one wants to live in 52 or if it's been hard to sustain this year because it is not currently needed. Because if these houses were needed, then wouldn't the beds get filled? So I am starting to think that maybe we SHOULD lose the house. Just for the grace year, and then fight for it back. This seemed to work for 85. Maybe it will work for 52 as well. Maybe the space needs to be missed by someone. It doesn't seem very appreciated right now, or cared about. And I guess, as things stand, we don't really have any other choice.

struggling to keep my eyes open

This blog post is a total fritter.

according to very reliable sources (CJJ) a fritter is defined as:

fritter (n): a task that can justifiably be argued as an excuse from important obligations (ie- work) but is still used as a way to procrastinate.

frittering: the act of fulfilling a fritter; procrastinating by keeping busy.


however, according to the dictionary, it means:

fritter verb
he frittered away his inheritance squander, waste, misuse, misspend, dissipate; overspend, spend like water, be prodigal with, run through, get through; informal blow, splurge, pour/throw down the drain. antonym save.


I like my definition better. using verbs as nouns are totally rad.

i am justifying this post because i have been told by numerous sources that i must update this blasted thing. why? i dont know. nothing that exciting happens here. not much that i would want to report here either. except that my leg is bleeding right now. no, really. it is.

ive been feeling pretty good but also worried. about everything. school work, money, friends. mostly friends. i worry about everyone and everything and i constantly feel like i should be doing more for everybody. i know that the one person i should learn to worry about is myself but to be honest that seems like a waste of time. im doing a lot better health wise. or at least i think i am. i talked to my momma on tuesday and it made me feel good. ive been sleeping a lot. way too much. i have this calm feeling, like i dont have any homework to do or anything to worry about or catch up on. i know this is a dirty lie that i keep telling myself and that i need to do better, strive to do more and stop distracting myself. but this year i just dont care.

i also chew on things a lot.

thats a strange confession to make but i feel like its ok to make here. i feel like im teething again, like a baby. its just comforting. i dont know why. i also remembered a part of a dream for the first time in a while. i miss dreams. mine are always so elaborate. i also want poems. i want ppl to write me poems. i feel so dry and ollld. and unproductive. i feel stopped up like im waiting to burst with something good and i cant write or do anything productive until i dont feel so stuck anymore. so give me a poem, give me a prompt, hell give me a letter and i will reciprocate and maybe then i can get something done.

ok now im gonna go take a shower.

do i need to take a shower at this very moment? no.

is this a total fritter on my part? hell yeah.

lovesickness: an ode to shalimar

i have spent the last three days humbled
on hands and knees, relinquishing all of myself
into the welcoming mouth of the toilet seat.
i don't know what is wrong with me
other than a still heart and a busy mind.
i have not seen you for a while but i am certain that you hate me.
i can't help but think that this is my fault,
wonder if i should be giving more of myself-
something other than mucus and vile,
sour words and needy looks.
i look back on the day that i cut my hair,
embarrassed that all i had to give you was
a lock of it, a small insignificant piece of me, knowing that
you wouldn't have accepted all of me if i had offered. i've learned that
it is useless conveying to you the importance of that action-
i don't know how to show you that i've tied myself to you,
that you now possess a piece of the last nineteen years of my life.
i bet you threw me in an underwear drawer, or underneath the bed,
let me drop unnoticed behind the bookcase:
out of sight, out of mind.
i now know what lovesick looks like
although it is not the kind of love (or sickness)
that you would accuse me of being capable of. it is more like a mother
ripped away from her suckling child
by the guilt instilled in her through a man's laughing eyes.
my body is sick from a lack of love
and your neglect is speeding up the dying process.
i wish i could leave this body,
fly away to worlds untouched and forget, but
i am still learning that we are rooted to this earth by hatred and hips,
destined to be left behind,
no lumps of flesh to save us,
flapping behind our backs or between our legs.

and when hagar looked down upon his beautiful face and choked,
i'm sure she contemplated driving that knife
in the centered nook right below her ribcage,
confused as to which she should aim for:
the heart or the womb,
both equal conspirators in her shame.

Kriss Kross- Response to Gina

I posted this video on my facebook and got a message from an old teacher in response saying this:

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=60461024034&h=HUwGY&u=-PbKO&ref=mf

Maybe I'm just getting old and curmudgeonly, but that video made me sad...Like, is that what our young awesome African American boys should be aiming for? I'd rather see a video with them chilling with the president in the oval office, y'know?
---
I responded to her with this:

Hello-

I think you bring up a lot of great points, but I definitely have to disagree with you on this one.

I would love to see an image of black boys hanging out with Obama. However, the idea of this being the better image- or at least the "positive" image scares me. A lot. It reminds me of the idea of the "New Negro"- a concept that has recently re-emerged due to Obama's victory. (although it can be argued that this concept never went away, especially when looking at shows like The Cosby Show). There is a sentiment that by having a black president, we as black people now have become the model minority, and must always "be on our best behavior" and "do better" by being more like Obama. Which, of course, is assimilationist as well as classist.

It also makes me feel that by categorizing the representation of black boys as model citizens (once again, chilling in the oval office with the Obamas) as the "positive" image- or at least MORE positive image- then I feel that we are conceptualizing the depiction of boys hanging out and rapping as something that is negative.

In this video, we see black boys rapping, playing basketball, skateboarding, jumping (obvs, lol), standing in front of a car... but they are happy! They are having fun! We do not see these boys carrying guns, flashing "bling", skipping school, chasing half-naked girls, getting arrested... other negative images of black men that is usually portrayed in the media. Instead, they are empowering themselves through words- with no swears, might I add- and one boy even refer to themselves as a "young, loveable type of guy".

I would also like to mention that rap is a very powerful tool. Hip hop was not always filled with Soulja Boys and T-Pains. These are also not the only rappers still around. There are a lot of great rap artists who are promoting revolution and positive change in their songs. Some of the artists that I am into right now are Dead Prez, Rebel Diaz (latino group, amazing activists), Arrested Development (I'm so into the 90's) and Saul Williams (before he sold out to Nike). I definitely feel closer and can relate to the fight for change in their words a whole lot more than those of Obama. At the end of the day, he is still a politician.

AND rap is such a cultural thing as well. But I don't feel equipped enough to get into THAT conversation. Especially since the ways that Obama is culturally black are much different than say, the way that my family is black.

I am not saying that through this song, Kriss Kross was celebrating diversity, fighting for social justice and promoting world peace. I just do not believe that there is any harm in the video, either. White children can watch TV and see a plethora of affirming representations of white folk. I believe that black children should have that same right. There is no definite goal that black children should be aiming for. They should have lots of positive options/images to choose from and we should not limit them to one view of what is right. I want my little brother to feel pride and empowerment in whatever he chooses, and to not feel guilty or bad when images of young black children singing and playing are portrayed.

Best.

----

What do you think?

don't bite the gay hands that feed you

monday 3/23/09 12:58AM

"it feels like cannibalism; it feels like suicide."

monday 3/9/09 11:20PM

hampshire poc continue to idolize wimpy whiteboi masculunitee:

"man he's so adorable i just want to lick his face."
"who is he?"
"i dont know just some first year"
"hes cute and hes tiny too"
"like a little angel."

god save us.